


Meta-Fiction

by Esperosis



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Cyrus - Freeform, Funny, M/M, Omegaverse, Rhys as Jack's PA, Satire, This is a crack fic, but not really, i dont even know how to tag this, jaxen - Freeform, rhys gets kidnapped, toward the end, yes they are both in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 12:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16702159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperosis/pseuds/Esperosis
Summary: Jack wakes up to find things are not quite as they seemA fic all about the tropes of a Rhack Fic, I prob didn't write close to all of them, but I still had a lot of fun writing this.





	Meta-Fiction

Jack awoke in his bed, and he knew instantly that something was off. It was like the electricity in the air was different, and he couldn't place why. He was already regretting getting out of bed this morning, and Jack hadn't even done so already. He turned over to find that his husband, Rhys, had already gotten out of bed; and the smell wafting through the house let him know that he was making pancakes. Jack smiled to himself. Ok, so, maybe he was getting some weird vibes about today but, hey, he hadn't even gotten out of bed yet, and there were already pancakes waiting for him downstairs. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.  
  
Jack stumbled out of bed before finally grabbing his big fluffy robe and slippers, shuffling his way out of his room and down the stairs to find Rhys finishing making pancakes and his little girl, Angel, eagerly awaiting her breakfast. They both turned to look as he entered the kitchen,

"Morning daddy!" Angel chimed, swinging her feet back and forth on the kitchen stool.  
"Good morning Jack," Rhys smiled at him, flipping the last of the pancakes onto a large plate stacked high with them.  
"Well good morning my two favorite people in the whole galaxy!" Jack laughed as he descended onto his daughter, kissing her on the cheek and hugging her tightly. Jack gave her a big kiss on the forehead as she giggled and took a peek at the paper she was writing on while waiting for the pancakes to be done.

Jack froze in confusion as he began reading what he thought was a college level essay in MLA format, but no that couldn't be right, Angel was smart, yes, but she's was still eleven. Jack gave a nervous chuckle as he asked,  
“Heya pumpkin whatcha working on there?”  
“My thesis for my doctoral degree in engineering daddy!” Angel giggled as she moved the papers off the table as Rhys sat half the pancakes in front of her. Jack forced a laugh  
“Funny joke there cupcake but your eleven! It’ll be a little while till you have to think about college or PhDs” Jack ruffled her hair, sitting down at his place at the table with the other half of pancakes.

“Jack, you know Angel is a wonderfully talented girl…” Rhys began walking over to the freezer  
“Well yeah, she is very-”  
“And we were both extremely proud when she got her college degree at 8 remember?” Rhys pointed to a side table with a few family photos on it. Jack examined the photos only to be dumbstruck by a picture of Rhys and himself standing on either side of Agnel, who was holding up a college diploma.  
“The fact that she’s going to get a Ph.D. in engineering in only three years, and even more that she’ll have it by the time she turns 12!” Rhys continued finally fishing out a gallon tub of ice cream from the freezer, that was also filled to the brim with ice cream and began to walk to the table.  
“It's just incredible don't you think Jack?” Rhys sighed

“Ummm, why are you eating a gallon of ‘Rocky Road’ for breakfast? Didn’t you just make pancakes?” Jack questioned as Rhys sat down, deciding to leave the topic of Angel’s Ph.D. for now. Rhys looked at him confused as he broke the seal on the tub,  
“Whatever do you mean? I always eat ice cream, Jack.”  
“Yeah I know, but you eat it for dessert? You like it, but your not ‘eat it constantly all the time’ obsessed with it” Jack let out a nervous laugh before adding under his breath “are you?”

Rhys simply gave Jack knowing sigh as he ate another bite of ice cream.  
“Well you see Jack you’ll find I am quite obsessed with ice cream, I have to eat some all the time. I’m not quite sure why, but this whole idea of me being super ice cream obsessed came from a throwaway line in the game our relationship is based on and...” Rhys just gave Jack a shrug as he ate another scope, “It just spiraled out of control I guess!”

Jack stared at his daughter and significant other dumbfounded as they both continued working on their doctoral thesis and tub of ice cream respectively, acting as if nothing was wrong. Jack narrowed his eyes as he got up from the kitchen table, deciding he wasn't hungry.  
“I’m just gonna head to the office, I’ll see you guys later…”  
“Ok daddy, have a nice day!” Angel beamed at him,  
“See you in a bit honey” Rhys piped up from his already halfway done gallon of ice cream.

Jack thought about the events that had just taken place and his strange feeling when he was in bed this morning, was he right? Maybe he was mysteriously dropped into an alternate dimension, or perhaps it was the universe idea of some sort of prank… a prank. Jack smacked himself in the face, of course, his adorable Rhysie and Angel were playing a joke on him, probably photoshopped that picture too. Jack smirked to himself as he disembarked the elevator and walked past his frightened secretary Meg on his way to his office. Jack never liked to admit he had been fooled, but like most things, he made an exception for Rhys and Angel.

Jack lounged in his office chair as he chuckled to himself, they really went all out of this one, and their acting was super convincing too. He couldn't believe he had gotten fooled by such outrageous claims, but that just meant he would have to think of a perfect way to get one over on them.

Jack pulled up an empty document and began to brainstorm ideas, however, by the time Rhys entered the office a half hour later he didn't have anything clever to get them back with. Jack wasn't too concerned, he had time to think of something, and decided to just play along for now.  
“Hey princess, how was your ice cream?” Jack asked, grinning to himself. Rhys smiled back as he relaxed in his chair and brought his work up,  
“It was delicious, thank you for asking. I just glad your feeling better, you were acting a bit strange before.”  
“Sorry pumpkin, my head was still a bit cloudy from sleeping, feeling a lot better now” Jack responded, pulling up some actual work to hide his scheming. Jack glanced over the file, some boring sales report, he rolled his eyes.  
“Nothing to apologize for, just wanted to make sure you weren’t sick or anything, you’re miserable when you're sick,” Rhys shook his head before concentrating on his work, most likely also boring sales reports. The next hour passed as it did on every other day, quips to each other and light conversation, but other than that it was mostly just them trying to cut down on the massive piles of work that piled up for them as the heads of one of the biggest weapons companies.

“I need to go take these reports down to Hugo Vasquez…” Rhys said eventually, his tone was grave. Jack paused in his work and narrowed his eyes at his screen, he was sure he had spaced that guy a while ago when he started dating Rhys, why was he bringing him up now?  
“Isn’t he-” jack cut himself off, how could he have forgotten Rhys and Angel’s prank! He didn't really know how bring papers to a dead guy none of them liked factored in, but maybe it was a set up to a punch-line? “Ah, yeah, Wallet-head… Um, yeah I guess if you have to go take those papers down pumpkin” he corrected himself.

Rhys’ face was a stone mask as he nodded and began to walk out of the office in the manor one would walk to a funeral. It was all strangely dramatic. Jack didn't understand any of it, but a prank is a prank, and Jack would be lying if he said he wasn't the least bit curious to see where this was going.

A moment after Rhys left the office Meg burst through the door screaming at the top of her lungs  
“SIR RHYS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!” Jack sat in stunned silence as he stared at his secretary.  
“What? No? He just left to drop off some papers. How could he have gotten kidnapped, he's not even to the elevator yet?” Jack at this point was too confused to be angry, Meg was usually healthily afraid of him, but now she was screaming like a mad woman.  
“Ah, my mistake sir, I just thought it better safe than sorry” Meg sighed in relief as she exited his office. Jack slumped back down in his seat, ah, Meg must be in on it too.

Jack took the next half hour to continue scheming on ways to get his daughter and spouse back. He kept an eye on the clock, knowing that thirty minutes was way too long to spend just delivering papers, but he didn't actually believe that was Rhys was doing, so he was content to wait to see when he got back. He still had no idea what the point of the prank was, was the whole point just to confuse him? Or was this a tremendous amount of set up for a big punch-line? Maybe they just wanted to see how far they could push things until Jack pushed back. Jack had no idea, but he couldn’t say he was having at least a little fun. Confused fun. But fun nonetheless.

Eventually, Rhys came back into the office. Jack put on a smile before looking up and addressing Rhys,  
“Well that took a while, wha-” jack cut himself off as he took in the state of his Rhys. Rhys was holding back tears and cradling an obviously broken arm, he was heavily bruised around the face and neck.  
“I’m sorry that took so long.” Rhys sobbed as he sat down on the floor. Jack threw his desk drawer open and retrieved two healing hypos before rushing over to his lover.  
“Hey hey hey, what happened baby? Who did this to you?” Jack cradled Rhys in his arms as h sobbed,  
“Vasquez, I brought him his papers and then he started proposing some sort of cartoonishly evil scheme to me and needed my help for some reason or another, then when I called him a wallet head he went into a blind rage and beat me up while trashing his entire office!” Rhys sobbed, Jack decided not to comment on any of the strange word choices or logistical inconsistencies as he sat on the floor, holding Rhys in his arms.  
“It’s ok cupcake, can you sit up for me for a second?” Jack asked cautiously, Rhys nodded and sat up facing Jack, “Ok now hold out your arm?” Rhys whimpered in pain as he gave Jack his broken arm.

Jack injected the healing hypo into his arm, then the second into his neck and within seconds Rhys was as good as new. Rhys blinked in surprise at his healed body,  
“Wow, everything's stopped hurting!”  
“Yeah, I used some of the healing hypos on you that I keep around for first aid reasons” Jack replied  
“You mean they just heal you up entirely within seconds without any need for a hospital visit or any recovery time?” Rhys asked in complete disbelief.  
“Yes? They're basic medical supplies now. They’re everywhere. You’ve used them before, why are you surprised by this?” Jack cocked his head in confusion.  
“Ah sorry, these things aren't used too often in fanfiction because they’re so effective that they render almost all needs for a hospital visit obsolete, and without hospital time that's prime angst were missing out on! How will the author's right nice angsty fics without hospital scenes™ for recovery from violent assaults, kidnappings, and/or torture?”

Jack suddenly remembered the whole prank thing going on, he also was starting to have mixed feelings about this prank thing. Photoshopping a photo of Angel getting a college degree is one thing, causing yourself a great deal of harm and then blaming it on a dead guy (he was pretty sure) was another. Jack carefully walked Rhys over to the couch they had in the office and sat him down on it,  
“Ok, I’m gonna get us some lunch, and then we’re going to deal with Vasquez ok?” Jack cooed to Rhys, Rhys just nodded his head before piping up,  
“Can I have two gallons of ice cream?”  
“No.”

Jack arrived in the dining district of Helios where all of the fancy dining restaurants were. These places don't usually do take out, but anybody did takeout when Handsome Jack was the one asking. Jack walked into Rhys’ favorite fancy restaurant and ordered both of their favorite meals **_to-go_** and the staff hoped on it. Jack made sure to tap his foot impatiently to encourage the staff to hurry it up as he waited before he was roughly tapped on the shoulder.

Jack turned to see an insanely short man with muscles bulging so hard they almost broke his shirt. Jack vaguely recognized him as Rhys’ old roommate and still best friends Vaughn, but if his proportions had been comically exaggerated.

“Hey I know you’re the big and powerful Handsome Jack, but that doesn't give you any right to treat my best friend poorly. Rhys is a great man, one of the best men I’ve ever met, and he deserves the best anyone can ever give him. You better treat him right you hear? If not I swear I’ll make you regret it!” Swol Vaughn crossed his arms across his chest and stared Jack down.

“Where the fuck did that come from?”  
“I dunno, it was just my obligatory ‘treat my best friend right’ speech that I make a lot of the time. Anyway, Rhys has been kidnapped by Vasquez and is in his office right now. Now that my jobs done I’ll be heading out” Vaughn waved as he exited the fanfiction. Jack’s meal was placed beside him.

Jack held out his hand and without looking at anybody, requested a healing hypo. He received it. Jack then put the healing hypo in the bag and took both of their meals and left for Vasquez’s old office. Jack was beginning to believe that, at least for today, he was no longer an active participant in his own life, and things seemed to just keep happening to him. Weird swol Vaughn told him to go to Vasquez’s office, so off he went.

He eventually arrived, and for some reason, Vasquez’s office gave off the feeling of a towering dark mansion on a dark and stormy night, even though that made no sense because it was an office on a space shuttle. Jack slowly pushed the door to the office open, genuinely afraid of what was going to be waiting for him, this day was getting further and further out of control and the ‘it’s just a prank’ excuse was beginning to slip.

Inside the office, Jack found there as a very much alive wallet head sitting at his desk with a very tied up Rhys on the floor in front of his desk.  
“Handsome Jack, I can’t believe your actually here!” Vasquez squealed like a schoolgirl before regaining his composure, “I’ve been expecting you, now I think we have some business to discuss.”

Jack let the door slip from his hand and quietly close behind him, still reeling  
“Arent you suppo-”  
“As you can see here I have your precious Rhys!” Vasquez announced as he walked across his deck and grabbed Rhys by the hair yanking him upward “And I know how much he-”  
Jack cuts Vasquez off by immediately shooting him in the head, Yvette looks down at Vasquez’s bleeding corpse.

“Wait how the hell did you get here! Did you teleport or some shit? You were not here a second ago!” Jack demanded pointing his pistol at the sudden Yvette. Yvette shrugged,  
“I only betray Rhys sometimes, so I’m only in the second half of this scene.”

Jack shot her in the head too, just in case.

Jack quickly untied Rhys and gave him the healing hypo he had, he wasn't sure if Rhys needed it, but there were no adverse effects to taking one if you didn't need it, so better safe than sorry. Rhys sobbed in Jack’s arms  
“Thank you so much for saving me, Jack!” Jack just nodded as he processed that this was not, in fact, a prank, but was, somehow, actually happening for real. There was no other way to explain the weird appearance of Vaughn, somehow not dead Vasquez kidnapping Rhys from his office, and Yvette spontaneously bursting into existence. It was a fever dream. Jack was somewhat comforted by the realization that this was a dream.  
“My arm,” Rhys winced as he somewhat lifted his cybernetic arm, it was utterly ruined.  
“It’s ok princess, I’ll fix it, let's just head up to the penthouse, I think we earned the rest of the day off.”

Jack helped Rhys up to the penthouse were Angel was watching tv with a small round robot.  
“Hey honey, how was your day?” Jack asked as he led Rhys to sit down on the couch. Angel perked up at her parents returning home but audibly gasped at the state Rhys was in.  
“It was pretty good,” Angel said quickly, following it up with “Hold on I have something I made for you daddy!” as she ran out of the living room only to return a minute later with a chrome arm.  
“It’s got all the latest technologies! I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but it’s best if you have it now!” Angel fretted as she ran as fast as her tiny legs would carry her over to Rhys.  
“Aw honey, thank you so much for this! I love it, it a fabulous gift!” Rhys gushed over the arm as he detached his arm, which was currently sparking with electricity.

Jack decided not to question how Angel had made a cybernetic arm without his knowledge. He also decided to just let it happen, it would take so much less energy when trying to fight against whatever narrative this insane world had spun for him. Jack’s phone rang. He answered his phone.  
“Sir, Research and Development have accidentally let and experimental Alpha Thresher escape from containment and its currently running around through the vents as we speak!” a terrified man reported on the other end of the line.  
“Mhmm, anything else?” Jack said as an explosion happened somewhere on the station,  
“Bandits are attacking Helios as well” The man replied.  
“How did that happen?” Jack asked, as his anger began to bubble, even in dreams he could escape from R&Ds fuck-ups, or those filthy bandit scum.  
“Well since this is a satire of Rhack fics, in general, the author decided to just put some of the more common fuck ups and climatic events occur.” The man reported before an explosion was heard on the other end of the line, conveniently ending the call before Jack could say anything. He wasn't sure what he would have said if he could have replied. Jack clipped his shield to his breast pocket as he called up his gang of vault hunters and told them to get to Helios. They told him they would let him know when they got there.

They called back five seconds later.

Jack didn't know why he was surprised.

He received reports from security that they had trapped the thresher in the Hall of Helios, so Jack took the elevator down to the hall. The Thresher was at least 5 stories tall and took up most of the space in the hall, having to bend itself to even fit in the room.  
“HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK DID THIS THING FIT IN A GOD DAMN VENT!” Jack screamed at the thing as it just roared back at him.  
“Damn that thing is huge!” Nisha whistles as Jack’s vault hunters gather around him.  
“Wait you're done with the bandits already?” Jack asked, looking around at them incredulously,  
“Yeah, they were easy to beat” Wilhelm piped up,  
“You started fighting them when I got in the elevator and were done when I got out, which was all about, I dunno? 10 seconds?” Jack persisted.  
“We need to be here for this next bit, so we’re glossing over it,” Lady Aurelia waved him off, “Now are we going to kill this thing or what? It has Rhys you know.”  
“What? No, it doesn’t Rhys is…” Jack trailed off as, sure enough, Rhys was caught in one of its tendrils. Jack let out a loud and long sigh before just saying  
“Kill the damn thing.”

The rest of the gang jumped into action as Jack stood back for a second, hanging his head and shaking it before jumping into action himself. They unloaded clip after clip into the behemoth, but they were able to inevitably grab victory… at a price.

As the beast fell to the ground, it seemed to happen in slow motion. Jack ran for Rhys as Rhys fell several stories to the ground. But he landed awkwardly on a mountain of rubble and as he tumbled and fell into a sheet of exposed metal and his head was cut clean off his body, his body rolling to the side as his head continued moving onward. Jack ran to kneel beside Rhys’ head. He felt cold rage and despair bubble in his stomach, he knew this wasn't real, he knew none of this was real, but still. To see his beloved Rhysie in such a state was still almost too hard to bare. That is until Rhys started talking.

“Jack… I think…” Rhys coughed up blood, somehow, “I don’t think I’m going to make it” Jack stared blankly down at the head before lifting it up in his hands.  
“You’re a head.”  
“Please, in case… in case I don't make it… Jack… listen closely please” Rhys continued  
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN INCASE YOU DON’T MAKE IT YOUR A FUCKING HEAD! YOU ARE LITERALLY NOT ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!” Jack exploded in a state of confusion and blind rage. Nisha slapped Jack across the face and forced him to look at her  
“Get a hold of yourself, Jack! We can still save him, but you need to get ahold of yourself!” Nisha took Rhys’s head from Jack and put it on a stretcher atop his body. The lights began to fade as Rhys called out for Jack,  
“NO! NO, YOU DO NOT GET TO FADE OUT OR WHATEVER AND JUST HAVE RHYS WAKE UP IN A HOSPITAL LATER! HE SHOULD BE DEAD!” Jack screamed at the void as the scene faded out.

Rhys woke up later in a hospital. Jack was standing outside the door being told his condition by the doctor. He did not know how he got there.  
“His organs took massive amounts of trauma due to his injuries and more medical-sounding stuff. However his cybernetics were completely destroyed, so you’ll have to leave them out for a month or so, so his body can heal. Also, he’ll need to stay in the hospital a few more days.” The doctor informed Jack. Jack nodded blankly at the doctor before shuffling past him to look into Rhys’ room. Rhys was covered in bandages, with his cybernetics completely removed. He, however, had no signs of having his head removed or reattached. Jack nodded,  
“Ok, well, I’m off to bed, have a nice night or whatever.”

The doctor protested a bit, but jack completely ignored him has walked down the hallway, into to his penthouse, and jumped into bed without so much as taking his shoes off.

Jack woke up in his pajamas under the covers with Rhys tucked into his arms the following morning. Rhys tiredly smiled at him.  
“You haven't been decapitated and/or pregnant are you?” Jack tiredly mumbled to Rhys through his pillow. Rhys propped himself up on his elbow and looked at Jack with bleary eyes,  
“Go back to sleep,”

**Author's Note:**

> https://esperosisisaloser.tumblr.com/


End file.
